“And the eyes of them both were opened, and they saw that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.” Cataract surgery can backfire on you.
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Cataracts have been a scourge on mankind since the dawn of time. Medical science has merged with technology and money to eradicate this menace. Amazing Grace is on the lips of everyone, “…was blind and now I see.”
The waiting rooms of Ophthalmologists are exquisitely opulent these days. They ooze money. Fine art hangs from the walls, polished marble floors glisten and lush sofas ease the anxiety of waiting, waiting for your number to be called and waiting for the cashier to run your credit card for the procedure. Smiling posters and testimonials testify to the success of cataract surgery. 20/20 is making a comeback.
Everything has a beginning. The origin of cataract surgery came about innocently enough a long time ago in a garden called Eden, which means ‘pleasure.’ It was a place somewhere in Mesopotamia, now Iraq, sometimes called Xanadu, where Kubla Khan, progenitor of the tribe of Trump, planned a pleasure dome. Unfortunately, there’s still much turmoil there because of the controversy surrounding this garden. Only a dust bowl remains.
The first known cataract surgery involved a certain fruit that grew in Eden. It seemed the aged gardeners, a man and a woman, ate it, and in so doing their eyes were opened. They immediately saw that they were naked, which, given their ages, might have been a stark and shocking sight. It suggests caution about men and women eating fruit together out in public.
But let your mind run with this and imagine the situation, seeing oneself naked for the first time. Must have been a real eye-opener, because they quickly found some large fig leaves to cover up the secret parts.
Fig leaves were apparently just a stop-gap measure, not one destined for much long-term success. You rarely see them worn in public anymore, unlike other clothes. After the discovery of tattoo ink, public nakedness sorta fell out of fashion.
So here we have two people who had been naked all their lives and never knew it. But when their eyes were opened, Wow! Such is the success of cataract surgery…you get to see things for what they are, for better or worse. One can then judge for oneself the implications of seeing 20/20 and who might need some really big fig leaves.
Removing cataracts has come a long way since the dark ages. It’s a simple procedure performed either by a robot or by a laser. It has been well documented that robots do a better job than humans, including driving cars. They just show up, do their work and get out. Takes about ten minutes, start to finish. 20/20 is not far away with a robot at the controls.
Robots don’t work for minimum wage, though. Which, of course, is where credit cards come in. Ophthalmology, in terms of prestige and prosperity, has itself come a long way. In the hierarchy of medical procedures, its stature is way past Orthodontics and head and shoulders above Optometry. It fits comfortably in the slot after Orthopedics which itself has seamlessly transitioned beyond selling walking shoes. Last in line if there’s any money left are clinics for dialysis, pathology and finally embalmers. The medical system is highly efficient in reaping what culture has sown.
The upsides of cataract surgery are many. No more wild weaving along the highway at night, dodging flashing stars that hurl at you like small meteorites. No more looking at people as though they were bathed in soft candlelight. No, we’ve become like the Almighty, nothing is hidden anymore from the eyesight. Every mote of dust is detected; every crooked picture frame is corrected; and every flaw is found.
Some have posited that cataract surgery is a leading cause of divorce among senior citizens. Perhaps. While waiting for my number I asked a grizzled old fellow sitting next to me what was the first thing his wife noticed after surgery.
These are his exact words: “Damn, you’re old and wrinkled. Have you always been this ugly?”
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There seems to be no end in sight for the proliferation of cataract surgery. What I’m wondering is if there will be enough fig leaves to spread around.
Bud Hearn
May 3, 2019