Last week I had a birthday. So what, you say? Everyone has birthdays. Yeah, but mine was special.
Ok, ok, I know. Everybody’s birthday is special. But everybody doesn’t have a birthday where you can take a couple of 7’s, jumble them up any way you want and they end up indicating the same number: 14. You can read it forwards or backwards, it yields the same result.
It was not one of those ‘Whoopee’ birthdays, the kind like when we turned 16 and finally got a driver’s license. Such birthdays are special, even exciting, maybe not for the State Patrol or the public in general, but to have a driver’s license, now that’s a ‘Whoopee’ birthday if ever there was one, a real reason to shout.
Now I’m not writing this to make you feel remorse for being remiss in not having me inked on your birthday calendar. I really didn’t expect recognition, and, of course, I didn’t get any. I forgive you. Forgiveness makes one holy, or so it’s said. It’s nice to feel holy once in a while.
But even after the fact, I don’t want you to pity me with the score of double 7’s. You have your own cross to bear this year. And even if your number isn’t a twin, you are getting closer than you think.
It’s always good to recognize this fact and begin practicing being holy. Oh, you won’t make many friends with this endeavor, but you’ll experience a quiet smugness within when you spout off about the state of the union or politics in general. You might even forgive yourself for judgmental attitudes when you look at how the government is spending your tax money. Oh, yes, being holy offers many unseen benefits.
Moving on. My birthday was not a total flop, given the fact that no family member used my credit card to purchase some special gift that they were sure I wanted. How many times does one have to answer the same question every year: “What do you want for your birthday?” You know the answer as well as I do. You need nothing, want less, and pray that if they do get you something, it’s sweet and edible.
I did get a good number of greeting cards. Now greeting cards come in many forms. Go to CVS or the card shop and look through the racks. A card for every person, living or dead. And many of the words inside pretty cards are dead themselves, mere empty platitudes so syrupy that you want to you-know-what.
You wonder what a person’s life is like who creates these kinds of cards. You imagine them huddled up on a work-at-home job in the middle of Iowa, suffering through interminable blizzards, tornadoes or dust storms. You don’t need this kind of cheer.
And then there are the ‘funny’ ones, cards that really say what the signer means at long distance and not to your face. Now here’s one, for example: There’s a photo of a very elderly woman in bed, her hair in curlers, looking like she’d had persimmons for breakfast. The card reads: “At your age, there’s one thing you don’t have to worry about…dying young.” They’d never say these words to your face.
I overlook the surreptitious meaning and look at another card. Here’s one with a fellow polishing what appears to be a 1952 Chevy wheel. It reads: “Better test the brakes…the hill you’re going over looks wicked.” Now that’s a kind way to say what I already know…that I’m going downhill fast.
And on and on they go. But look, I’m thankful for these cards, no matter what the sender’s ulterior motive might have been. But they present a moral and mental dilemma to my aging soul. That’s right, another burden to bear, as if double 7’s was not enough.
Explain, you say. Simple, I’m conflicted as to how long I must keep these cards without pitching them. What’s acceptable protocol for discarding someone’s greeting card, whether birthday or other occasion? I search Google and the Scriptures. No help. To pitch them unceremoniously is like throwing friendship under the bus.
Such are the trials of aging. But after a week I’m beginning to think every birthday should be a ‘Whoopee’ one, irrespective of the numbers. We only go around once. Let’s make the best of it.
And you’ll never know what I did with your greeting card.
Bud Hearn
March 13, 2019