It’s Friday the 13th, strange things can happen.
Clouds swirl, thick and dark. Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles, rocks split. Stars fall, the moon melts, the sun sets. The Voice roars, “Enough is enough.” Holy Wrath fills the universe.
**********
Moses is jolted from sleep, traumatized by recurring dreams of frog plagues. The Voice shouts, “Moses, get over here…you’re going back!”
He wants to argue, “Hey, I’m old now. I did my time down there. Besides…” His words freeze in celestial mid-air. Mt. Sinai comes to mind. He trembles. Nobody argues with The Voice.
He hustles over to the Big House with his Starbucks Grande iced latte without a straw, straws now being banned as lethal devices.
“What’s up, Boss?” he asks.
“It’s Babel redux. They’re never satisfied. They cracked the digital code and discovered the GPS mystery. Demons are pouring out of hell’s gates. The ‘smart phone’ is usurping my authority. Prayer requests have stopped; tithes are down; fewer recruits for the Zion choir. Computers are making a mockery of my authority.” The Divine Utterance breathes fire.
“Chief, who am I? Just an old man. I’ll be ridiculed. Send those reprobate twins, Manny and Levi. They need a genuine dose of repentance,” Moses pleads.
The Voice replies, “Those uncircumcised infidels? The ones who substituted bacon for kosher franks on Passover? Those backsliders will skin snakes until contrition sets in. No, you’re the man. Take your brother, Stanley. He likes to talk. Find out what’s going on.”
(A few days later)
“Stanley, hey, the Meat Packing District sure has changed. No more bootleg bacon from Jersey, just condos, restaurants and robots walking around gazing at gadgets held in their hands.”
Stanley replies, “Weird, brother. Not like the old days. Say, look at this store. Sign says ‘Apple.’ The bite is still missing. I thought that issue was settled a long time ago.”
“Careful,” says Moses. “The Trickster is listening. Remember what happened with Adam? He got foreclosed, lost his garden paradise. Let’s go in and check it out.”
A clerk with gold chains, ink and an ear phone grabs Moses, shakes him. “Want to buy a smart phone, pal? On sale, half off.” He pulls out a slick new model.
“What’s a smart phone?” Stanley asks.
Moses hovers behind him, whispers in Yiddish, “Watch out, Stanley, he may be a Samaritan.”
“Say, you dudes are not from around here, huh? I can tell by your clothes. They went out of style about the 13th Century BC, right? Y’all with the carnival?” the clerk asks.
“Sack cloth,” Stanley reminds him. “Best made. Mohair. Hand sewn. Got it before the Garment District went upscale. We’re here on a secret mission for the Most High.”
“Well, you’re in the right store, gents. Best smart phones in town. Apples. All the latest apps.”
“Apples? Apps?” Moses cringes.
“Our ancestors had a bad experience with apples,” Stanley says. “It’s a curse.”
“Well, these have a money-back warranty, fellows. No risk, no curse. Everything at your fingertips. You want it, you get it now. No waiting.” The clerk is empowered; fist-pumps gyrate the air.
“See this? It’s Amazon. You can buy anything, easy, quick, all with a credit card. Send it to you overnight, get it tomorrow. No wait.” The clerk becomes animated.
“You mean we don’t have to pray and wait for an answer?” Stanley asks.
“Pray? Are you kidding? Why pray? Get everything now. Praying? That’s so yesterday. This is the new age, guys. Are you on Facebook?”
Moses and Stanley look at one another, puzzled.
“Facebook connects you to everybody in the universe,” the clerk says, grinning.
“Here’s Google, men. Tells you anything you want to know, instantly. Just ask it. Where are you from?” the clerk asks.
“Heaven,” Stanley replies.
“Whatever. Check this out.” Google Earth pops up. A photo of Heaven appears. Moses gasps.
“Cool, huh?” Stanley is speechless.
“Everything’s possible with Apples. Book a hotel, order a meal, Instagram pictures, count calories, get the news, check your stocks. You itch, it scratches.”
Stanley and Moses huddle, discuss things.
They look at the smart phone. Stanley says, “New age? Smart phone? Is Baal back? Imagine the chaos if The Boss scrambles the digital grid. Let’s keep this gizmo for a souvenir, just in case.”
**********
They go outside, sit on a bench in the park and play with the new purchase. “Stanley, let’s postpone our return.”
“Absolutely,” Stanley says. “You check out Match.com while I see if Domino’s really delivers. Pepperoni okay?” Moses nods yes.
They both take another byte of the apple. Thunder explodes…..
Bud Hearn
July 13, 2018