Trapped by our very own words. How do we escape?
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It can happen anywhere, anytime, all you have to do is just show up. It’s the experience of life. You try to be nice, cordial, friendly. Yet, even with caution your words can sometimes entrap you into a dilemma of our own making.
Consider the many ways there are to greet people. We have our favorites, others have theirs. Greetings like: “Hello.” It’s universal, but it’s the intonation that counts with this greeting. It has to sorta be ‘sung,’ like “Hellloooo” to move it from the perfunctory to the friendly. You know what I mean.
When coupled with a toothy smile and a nod, ‘Hello’ says it all. Simple, to the point, no response required. Unlike most others, it asks no question. Plus, it’s the safest greeting since it requires no further discussion. Say it and pass on by. And if the occasion warrants, a simple “Howdy,’ or ‘Hi’ will suffice.
If one is a person of few words, contraction takeoffs can work, like: ‘G’ morning, G’ afternoon or G’ evening. The variations on this theme are many.
There are others, you know, like “Whatcha say, friend?” You don’t really care what they have to say, of course, and they don’t actually have to be a friend. You can change the relationship by adding ‘my,’ but it’s up to you. And if you add a cordial wave of the hand, it’s more like a friendly salute. No dialogue is necessary.
“How’s it going?” shows a general concern of one’s well-being. But not really. It’s just another figure of speech. The usual response goes something like: “So far, so good. You?” says all that’s needed. Then there are the no-word fist bumps or high-five greetings, all executed in passing. They actually mean nothing more than ‘I see you’re still alive.’ Sufficient.
Greetings can be more creative, depending on familiarity. “Nice day, huh?’ usually gets a return, “You bet,” or maybe a short description of the weather, like, “Little too hot to suit me.” Recently I said a ‘good morning’ to a jogger I knew: “You’re moving well,” to which I received the thumbs-up acknowledgement. Said it all.
Maybe the most frequently used greeting in the South is, “How are you doing?” which is correct grammar. But it usually comes off the tongue sounding more like, “Hi ya doin’? It might be the most dangerous greeting unless the response is simply, “Fine. You?” Neither greeter expects any more detail. Unless they want to tell you how they are doing. Then it’s crossed the line. Woe unto you.
At our island post office, one encounters a broad cross-section of people in varying degrees of moods. So, it pays to be circumspect in the greeting. The other day I run into an old friend. We do a high-five salute and I ask, “How are things in your world today, Ralph?” Mistake.
“I’m glad you asked,” he says.
Uh oh. Trapped. How can I respond without being rude? I do my best to escape by exclaiming, “Welllll,” and looking at my watch. But the hint doesn’t get traction. It opens up a torrent of words, “Let me tell you.’ And he does, and does, ad infinitum
“You know, I recently got a heart pacemaker. Did you know it’s a small computer implanted in your chest?” And for what seems like an eternity, I learn the intricacies of pacemakers. Commas and periods are grammatical intruders in his encyclopedic monologues. Nonexistent.
After having worn out the subject, I sense an opening coming. But not to be. He grabs my arm, pulls out his iPhone, says, “Look at these photos of my grandson.” What to do? Respect for children is essential. Captured.
But an idea comes to mind. Like the gunfight at OK Corral, I quick-draw my own iPhone, firing off photos of my dog. He is obliged to look. Dogs, like children, demand respect. I fight fire with fire, pixel with pixel, extolling the joys of dog companionship. It ends in a standoff.
The brevity of the momentary lapse proves to be just enough time to make a break. I glance at my watch and begin to move away. The encounter ends with the most sincere-sounding ‘see you later’ escape exit in modern English, “Let’s have lunch one day.” Well meaning, but never happens.
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All’s well that ends well. But from now on I’ll stick with “Hello.” It’s safer.
Bud Hearn
August 14, 2023